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02/21/2003 Entry: ""Next to the Last Book of Neuteronomy""

These are excerpts from the comedy sketch I've written for the gig on Sunday night, and I present them just for the heck of it.

And now, Holy Scripture, but first a word from our sponsor:

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And now, Holy Scripture! Hold on while I access it...

Welcome to the Akashic Records. Press 1 for sales, 2 for service, or smack your Third Eye for Holy Scripture. (Hits forehead) Thank you, please hold on while I try that extension. Welcome to the Holy Scripture department of Akashic Records. Today’s selection comes from the Next to the Last Book of Neuteronomy:

And so the disciples gathered to hear the Prophet speak, who issued from his mighty lips these blessings, showering the good people with wisdom and little bits of dribble. This He said from on High but down low:

Thou shalt not be persnippity or otherwise dreary and awful. Thou shall, however, love thy neighbor with all thy heart and soul, that ye may borrow things from him without having to steal from his shed out back. God says unto you that She doesn’t like it all that much when you stealeth, but She knoweth a good bargain when She seeth it. Furthermore, thou shalt give of thine heart to strangers, show mercy unto them, take them into your house and witheth them and dineth them. But don’t do anything the Lord Herself wouldn’t do. Thou shalt not do battle with foreign peoples for thine own gain in far away lands unless thou possesseth the political clout and the media advisors to make it appear a compassionate and all around nice thing to do. Thou shalt be a steward over all the Earth, handing out little packs of pretzels and assuring that belts are fastened before takeoff. And, by the way, saith the Prophet, Whooever said that bit about Lillies of the Valley not spinning obviously wasn’t taking the good stuff.

The Prophet at this point stood before the disciples, who were enraptured at these pronouncements and silent with Holy Anticipation. The Prophet, with His hands outstretched to the sky, brought down one arm under the pit of the other, with which He made a rude noise, and He galloped on his She-Goat into the sunset, and before His Heavenly Countenance disappeared to the disciples, he yelled to them this last great pronouncement: the shortest, simplest story ever was that of the creation of the universe, but it has taken us forever to figure it out. Tally-ho He cried, and he ascendeth into the next scene. Amen. To return to the main menu, slap your forehead again.

Thank You.

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