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02/28/2003 Entry: ""I Can't Say""

There's something I need to say
but I don't know how to say it
even what it is.
The tip of my tongue
lurches forward into language
in verbal anticipation
but retreats in wordless wonder.
Impressions of the idea heave my breath into an awkward mouth
I'm getting closer, but all I can do
is laugh and sputter.
As the Milky Way runs down the drain
and the sky is spilled with nighttime amusement
the world speaks a billion intentions
actions eclipse them,
and I'm still sputtering,
trying to say that something, that anything,
drawing all my strength into something so damn easy,
and all I can manage to utter
into the raging wind called fate that shakes the house
is "I love you"
flung from my chapped lips across parking lots and vestibules
across abandoned hopes and seedlings of prayer
and missing every ear before dispersing into tomorrow's fog.
Saying it may not make up for what has not been said,
standing here under creation's silent shadow
may not be better than where I need to be
but it's where I am, and what I said,
and for what it's worth,
in this case, everything,
I meant it.
The wind abates,
and even the night stops looking for itself.
I huddle back to bed now,
wrapping dreams up tight round me
thinking that if anything could be more true than love
or anything more trying to live out sometimes,
it would have to be bigger than the universe
and since even the mountains are bigger than time
I'll rest easy,
and have more to say when the sun rises.

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